I used to speculate about the first three things I would do when I got to be in charge of the church: 1) Throw out the organs—use peppy piano accompaniment to revitalize our dirge-like hymn singing. 2) Excommunicate the Curriculum Correlation Committee —for driving droves of life-long members from church by the endless repetition of “milk before meat” lessons. 3) Burn the synthetic lace tablecloths “decorating” tables in Relief Society rooms.
Obviously, I’m not going to get into a position of authority to enact my recommendations anytime soon. That’s why I was so captivated when my cousin, Thinker, decided to start his own church—The Church of the Laid-back Saints—with beginning and ending times within the same hour and tithing optional.
I have a few more suggestions for Thinker.
- Dress code: Neckties banned. Dresses optional for both genders—why should only women be allowed the privilege of cool, bare legs and thighs in the summertime?
- Refreshments: Juice and muffins, bagels or donuts served after Sacrament Meeting.
- Optional Sunday activities: Children’s activity classes with a broader curriculum than folding arms and sitting quietly. In-depth scripture study groups for adults wanting to dive into deep study. Less studious adults can continue munching donuts and chatting, lead children’s activities, or go home.
- Paid music directors: Developing ward musical talent and appreciation will be much more successful with paid professionals in charge.
Thinker actually proposed replacing the water with wine for the sacrament, but that sounds like heresy to me.